How your ANS may be running your sex life


Our poor, starving bodies are unconsciously awaiting this surrender. We want sex that is mind-blowing and we keep seeking in out in unsatisfying ways, over and over again thinking that if we play the odds, inevitably we will get what we want. Or, sadly, some of us simply give up on finding this passionate sex.

My past life was a lot like this. Always on the hunt for someone to impress me. Someone who could handle my immense desire for connected, blissed-out sex. Deep inside myself I knew I was looking for it in the wrong ways but I could never admit that and let that knowledge come to the surface of my consciousness. So, in response to the impending disappointment, I resorted to drinking away my expectations. Who the hell can live up to that self-defeating practice?

Now, much more aware of myself at age 33, I find it still a challenge to get this desire fulfilled.

What am I missing? Well, go back to what I discussed earlier about our deliciously sexy nervous system. It’s the vigilance center (sympathetic) that overrides our pleasure center (parasympathetic).

I stand in my own way. I am the obstacle on the path to great sex.. I lay there underneath my lover thinking to myself, “What the fuck would feel good to me? What do I want? Do I want him to eat my pussy? Do I want to be on top? Shit, I forgot to call my mother. Damn, I bet he thinks I’m boring. Maybe I should moan more. I wish I had turned some music on.” and so on…

Passion by Leonid Afremov

Passion by Leonid Afremov

What has happened in this scenario? What is the core of all of these thoughts? I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted. The even deeper reality is, I went completely into autopilot without considering what I need and want as a woman. I gave no consideration to my own desires. And without this awareness, I put myself into a situation where nothing could be right for me and my pleasure. How can I feel good and secure and excited, when I don’t even know who or what I want?

My passion and excitement are non-existent because I’m too damn worried about anything and everything else except for falling into surrender.

Does it turn me on to have music? Does it turn me on to ask for a certain position? What turns me on? What feels good? In the beginning, how the fuck do I even know the answer to ‘what do I want?


Taking Action

Try it! Experiment with asking for what you want. What does this look like? OK, good question. When you think of what turns you on, are you willing to ask for it? Or, are you ashamed? Do you think it’s too much or that it’ll turn your lover off?



  1. Rob

    There is a great discussion, on this post, going on via the secret Facebook group. If you’d like to be added to that group please contact us and ask to be added.

  2. Pingback: Getting the sex you want. From a woman’s perspective. •

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