In all the free lectures / discussion groups I run, I always ask for feedback. I want to know what people took home from the class and what they think could go better. I also want to know what topics they would like me to cover in the future. One thing keeps coming up without fail every time from someone: Sex. And that is everything I have on the feedback form. Sex. And I have no idea what the person actually wants. More? Better? More meaningful? More Climax? I have no idea. But since there is so much desire around the topic of sex, I will be dedicating a bunch of posts on this particular topic.
The biggest thing that comes up for me when I want anything “better” is that I have work to do right then and there. Because if I tell my partner I want better sex, they nod, shrug and we do what we always do and it will feel like it always does – sometimes better, sometimes less so. So what I need to do first is getting clear on what I actually want. Because without that, I can not communicate anything that would make a difference.
The other thing that requires some work is unearthing the feelings around sex and to a degree where they come from. If there is unresolved guilt or shame, can I really enjoy what is happening? If I am stuck on some old trauma, can I lean back and surrender into the moment? I honestly don’t think so. But there is also the other side: If I don’t remember the moments when I felt amazing, with the best-sex-ever feeling then I can’t communicate that either.
And the best tool I found to jump start the process for a better sex life is writing your own sexual history. Wow! Yep, it’s going to be deep, gritty, probably surprising and most likely won’t feel good. Because when we are writing something like this we have 2 options: omit the truly shameful and traumatic stuff so we don’t have to look at it (and stay stuck where we are) or dig that stuff up, look at it, turn it in our hands and write it down. And believe me, after I wrote mine I felt clean and strong and expanded – but I didn’t feel light or good or happy.
Okay, so what is a sexual history. As the name suggests, it is the story of your sex life from the first ever sexual feeling to now. Think of it in the way your doctor takes a history of your health when you go there. I suggest being honest because you can’t help yourself if you aren’t. Similar to your doctor, who can’t help you appropriately when you omit information about your health from them.
Try to remember when you had the first ever sexual feelings and write it down. Write down how you reacted, how people around you reacted, what you felt. Were you encouraged or shamed? Did you hide it or could you speak to someone about it? Did you shame yourself? Was it something “weird”? How did it make you feel? Then move on to the next moment from there and repeat the process. Also look at things like sex education (Did you ever receive any? What was it like? How did you feel?), people around you (Were you exposed to other’s sexuality? What happened? How did you feel?), sexual milestones (first makeout, losing our virginity, sexual discoveries, etc).
As you can see above, one question keeps popping up over and over: What did you feel? This is very important because you want to know if there was guilt, shame, anxiety, fear or any other emotions involved that you wouldn’t want to feel in the context of a good sex life today. It is important to name the people, name the emotions and name the experience. That way you can start discovering. And to be clear, I said name – not blame. We all had experiences that were less than amazing. It is important that we blame neither ourselves nor other people because this will only lead us down a victim path. Instead we want to be empowered in our sexuality and that means naming instead of blaming.
Other areas you might want to look at and write about are: sexual satisfaction – what felt really good, sexual orientation – did / do you have any struggles around that, your history of sex with yourself, sexual fantasies – what are you fantasizing about, influences – who was most involved in your ideas about sex and what was the influence like, sexual difficulties – we all had them, let’s look at them, values – what are your values when it comes to anything sexual, regrets – there might be things you are less proud off and finally, sexual trauma – naming helps.
Here are 3 points to consider before you get started.
- If you know about yourself that there is a lot of sexual trauma that is unresolved, it might be wise to talk to a coach, counselor, therapist or other professional about your desire to write this and ask for advice and help in advance. We might discover something that really whacks us and having support lined up if this happens is always wise. You wouldn’t go cave diving by yourself either.
- Take your time, write as much as you can and when something else comes up, add it on. I wrote mine over the course of a whole month. Because a lot of the things I couldn’t even remember when I started writing. But the more I cleared out, the more popped up.
- This exercise is exclusively for you. Write it like that. Don’t censor yourself. Write your truth. If you want to share parts of it with someone, you can be selective. But there is no point in being selective with yourself because that is what you have done until now and unless something changes, nothing will change.
Leave a comment below. Let me know what you think about this, if it works for you or doesn’t work for you. In case you would like to have more information or talk to me, shoot me a message.