This is another one of those questions that come up often in our coaching. “How do I bring up sex on a first or second date?” or “How do I take the date to the bedroom either tonight or down the line?” or even “How do I talk about sex with someone and not scare them away?” And I get it. It’s an iffy topic where everything can go wrong at the drop of a hat. We all have very strong beliefs when it comes to sexuality. Those are mixed with societal and cultural baggage. And to top it off, most of us grew up with the whole “sex is dirty and nothing to be talked about” mindset. Yes, talking about sex seems similar to stepping into a minefield.
The other piece is that we received a lot of education on what appropriate dating behavior is. To me, most of that education is ridiculous. Let Hollywood teach us when it is appropriate to call or text your crush, how many dates we have to go on before a first kiss and when we can to move to 2nd and 3rd base. Just using this expression has my skin crawl. Let me say it like this: You can want whatever you want, just be okay if others might not want it.
The TL:DR version.
Because this article got a bit longer than I thought it would, I added the TL:DR version here so you can skip all the rest if you are not really interested in what I have to say.
- Get your ideas and prejudices about sex straight (women want it as much as men, you can have sex on the first date, you are not a bad person for wanting sex)
- Know what you like and dislike (what you want, what you want to feel)
- Use the difficult conversation formula to say it out loud
- Be okay with whatever happens, you already created a moment of connection right here
A little bit of my own story
I still had huge issues around bringing up sex in a dating setting a few years back. I can tell you, it wasn’t pretty. I would avoid the topic and then be frustrated when my date didn’t read my mind and have sex with me. I would dodge my date’s questions regarding sex because I didn’t want to speak up and potentially scare them off and then be resentful when I was friend-zoned. I would tell my date that I am interested in so much more than sex (because I was afraid that I would offend them when I am actually honest and say: I just want to have really good sex with you) and then end up with a relationship I didn’t want hanging over my head. The fact that I wanted to connect with that person on a physical level became more of a threat than a pleasurable idea.
And while there is no easy answer to the questions above, I can tell you that my situations had one thing in common. Me and my crappy way of handling things. My dishonesty, my avoidance, my trying to please and do everything right attitude. In short: my manipulation. And the worst part was that I did it because I wanted to protect myself because I was afraid. I was afraid of rejection, of not getting what I want, of being not liked. And the whole thing wasn’t even conscious. I just did it without ever thinking about it.