How to bring sex into dating?

There are some really shitty scripts we are tossing around in our culture. In the best case scenario, they get in the way because we aren’t open to look beyond what these scripts offer. We might even feel reaffirmed in our believes that stem from said scripts and don’t question. We are good in our mental homeostasis. However, in the worst case scenario they lead to oppression, toxic shame and ostracization.

mythbustersIf you are interested in reading more about the scripts we run and how outdated they are, here are some books you might consider: What Do Women Want by Daniel Bergner, Sex at Dawn by Chris Ryan and Cacilda Jetha and Sex outside the lines by Dr. Chris Donaghue.

For the dating situation I was talking about earlier, just take all the baggage you have about male and female sexuality, how it is different, how we don’t want the same things and then throw it into a really big garbage can. Because honestly that what it is: Garbage. Here are some new assumptions that might help you in your dating life:

  • We are all sexual beings
  • Most people want to have sex
  • Most people want to have good sex
  • There is no gender that inherently wants something different when it comes to sex
  • You decide what is sex to you (kissing?, petting?, penetration?, kink?)
  • You decide what sex means to you
  • You decide when you want to have it (as long as consenting adults are involved)
Know what you want.

So now that I am done ranting, let’s look at how to turn it around. Let’s assume you are dating. What can you do to have clear and honest communication about sex?

First and foremost we have to know what we want and why we want it. Figuring this piece out is not as easy as it might seem to some and not as difficult as it seems to others. If you don’t know what you want, how can you communicate it? And that was one of the parts that I hadn’t figured out until way later. I couldn’t talk about sex because I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what felt good to me and what didn’t. I didn’t know where my boundaries were or what I wanted to explore.

But it is not just figuring out what you want but also being okay with it. Let me give you a scenario: say you’re interested in BDSM or kink play and you want to get tied up and flogged but you can’t admit it to yourself because you believe that just that thought makes you a bad person much less actually putting it in practice. So you never talk about it, you never mention it. But it keeps popping into your head and there is nothing you can do about that but feel bad.

I lived the scenario. Not getting tied up and flogged but with other kinks I have. I could not even admit them to myself much less to someone I am dating. I was convinced that the people would turn tail and run as fast as they can. Guess what: They did that anyway because I wasn’t being honest with them. I could not even admit these things to myself and I was “protecting” my date from having to deal with these “perverted thoughts”. But they picked up on the fact that there was more going on under the surface and because I was not honest or forthcoming, I felt unsafe to them and they walked away.


  1. Christian blaydon

    I really feel a connection to what you’ve wrote in this article, I have just started dating a girl (2 dates) and prior and currently I am in a long dry spell and it’s because of exactly what you’ve wrote, my do right attitude, not wanting to offend, and hoping that if I stay away from the topic she will read my mind, whereas I know since she’s younger than me she’s most likely(?) waiting for me to initiate, I don’t know what to do, and since I thought of myself as a very sexual being before the year and a half I’m currently on I’m very confused and your article is the first time ive said to myself ” yes, they get it completely!”

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