This morning I woke up but as it happens on some days, I was just too lazy to jump out of bed. So instead I rolled over and let thoughts drift through my head. It’s a great time for that. I just sit back in my own head and see what drifts by. And because everything is all lazy and relaxed, my thoughts are too. They drift by like in oil or syrup instead of frantically zipping by like every other time of the day.
I was thinking about the graduation advice article I wrote a while back. And then the next thought was: What advice would you have given yourself in regards to sex? And the next was: What do you wish you would have known about sex when you graduated high school? (At that point my eyes popped open, I got up, made coffee and a protein shake – breakfast for champions – and sat down in front of my computer to start writing this post.)
A Little About My Sexual History
I had sex the first time I was 14, although that was non-penetrative sex. French kissing and heavy petting and all the other fun stuff until I was 15 ½, then about a year of the above plus oral sex and with 16 ½ I had my official first time as it went all the way to penetration. And while I enjoyed my first time, it was more the “happy to have that out of the way” feeling that was going on for me because I was so preoccupied with the condom and it possibly slipping off and the fear of unwanted pregnancy.
See, my biology class was fairly in-depth. In 8th grade, I think I was 14 at that time, we hit human reproduction. I guess that is the closest to a sex ed class I ever had. It covered all the pieces: Male Anatomy, Female Anatomy, Arousal, Reproduction and a brief discourse on STI – mainly the really bad ones like HIV and Hep. I had the lay of the land, an idea what to do with said land and what to be careful of.
The thing I didn’t have was a good idea of what sex actually is. Don’t get me wrong, cock in pussy, I get that. But I am now aware that there is so much more to it. So here are the three things I wish I would have known back then:
Have Sex For Yourself
Yeah, that was a big one. I don’t know where I picked that up but I was in the “she needs to come first” mindset. And boy, did I make sure she would enjoy the fuck out of the fuck. It always started with the right amount of foreplay (or what I thought that was) which ended in my sucking pussy and hopefully her first climax. Then it progressed to penetration in at least three different positions and hopefully her second if not third climax. Then I would usually climax myself trying to time it with her third so we can come together.
It worked. Women told me they loved the sex with me. They came back for more. I never asked for anything, no blowjobs, no handjobs, no nothing. I was here to please. I was great at foreplay, great at fucking, great at holding myself back until she had her fun and great at making her cum. I was a great fucker. Or at least that was what I believed. At some point, about 10 years after my first time I was with a woman who was finally honest with me. It took her some time but when she finally came out and told me that she faked most of her climaxes I was devastated. I just wanted to know why. Why the fuck fake it? Why not tell me I suck at eating pussy? Why have sex with me in the first place when she isn’t enjoying it?
Yeah, it was all about me and my hurt ego at that point. The problem was that she just destroyed my legend of myself. After I calmed down a lot (which probably took a week – I can’t remember) we finally managed to have a conversation like adults. She told me that she appreciated that I was always taking care of her and making sure that she has fun and comes. And she told me she has all the fun in the world, even without climax. She told me that my hunt for climax put so much pressure on her that she faked it just to get out of the pressure cooker of my expectations. And then she told me 2 more things: 1) have sex for yourself, show up and fuck me like you want to fuck me and 2) let me give you a blowjob every once in a while.
Wow! That blew me away. At that time I didn’t recognize the huge gift she had given me. Yeah, the legend of the super fucker was ruined and I had to go back to the drawing board. I didn’t know what it meant to have sex for myself. I didn’t know what I wanted and I didn’t know how to receive attention. But a lot of soul searching and a lot of experimentation later I finally got an idea. And I finally started to be able to receive.
Ask For What You Actually Want
While I was exploring sex for myself, I started to notice my interest in different things and fetishes. Especially with the emergence of the internet I noticed myself going down the rabbit hole. I would start out on something general and then go down the rabbit hole. Most of it was curiosity but then there were also some things that stuck with me. Things I wanted to try out myself. Things I started fantasizing about.
But I grew up hearing that porn and real life are 2 different things. Then I ended up being a professional porn actor in Germany and I can tell you that they are nothing alike. The big difference is that porn is work. It isn’t about you enjoying yourself. That might be a side effect but it is not the goal. The other big difference is that nothing is real. There were moments when we would fuck like crazy, moaning and groaning until the director yelled “cut”. At that point we would look at each other, grin and talk about jobs, school or weather. And when the director says “action” you stop talking mid sentence and it’s back to moaning and groaning and fucking.
However, during my porn days I did a lot of stuff that I wanted to explore. And while it wasn’t about the exploration itself, it gave me an idea. But it also fucked me up. Because everyone doing this is open to whatever the director has hired them for, you don’t ever need to have a conversation about anal, deep throat, pee play, rimming or whatever you are doing there. Because of that, I had no idea how to approach that with partners outside of porn. I knew I was into a lot of these things but I didn’t acknowledge them at first and when I did, I didn’t know how to convey that I would like to do them.
I shamed myself for wanting them and not being normal. It was fucked up. Here I am, showing up for myself but I don’t know how to ask for what I want. And if I wanted to ask, I always went about it in a weird backdoor kind of way. I shared a story about anal sex that I read somewhere by “accident” (while I was looking for it) to gauge my partners reaction. Then I would half jokingly say: We should try that. Then I would push my luck a little further every time until my cock was in her ass or she flat out told me that she wasn’t interested.
It is only recently that I can actually come out and say: “Hey, I am interested in experimenting with X. Would you like that? What are your boundaries around that? Do you have any fears there?” Wow, talk about a totally different approach. And you know what I noticed? My partners are much, much more comfortable sharing with me what they want, what their reservations are and what they fear. We can actually have an open conversation instead of me manipulating my way into a situation. And then we can consciously try it out, go as slow or fast as we want to and enjoy the process.
You Are Not Broken – As Long As There Is Consent Nothing Is Off Limits
As I mentioned above, there were a lot of desires and fantasies I judged myself for. It all culminated when I found out that I have a kinky streak to myself. I kept this part of myself very tamped down and locked away somewhere in the basement of my mind. But at some point I started opening the door of that basement to look at my desires for every other area in life (the were locked in the same basement) and these areas of my sexuality were in there too. Crap. Now I needed to look at them. That was a huge grappling match with myself.
When I finally acknowledged to myself that there is a part of me that likes being dominant and another part that likes being a sadist, it became a little easier. But I still couldn’t get myself to jump the social conditioning. I was supposed to be a nice guy that takes care of others, not hurt them or cause them pain. That is bad. And by wanting that I am a bad person. Yes, my head definitely got in the way.
And then something great happened. I realized that for any fetish you can possibly have, there is someone out there that shares it. I started going to muches. These are kink community get togethers where more experienced people share information with newbs like me and where I got to know others who were ‘as broken as me’. Just that they didn’t believe they were broken. Now what? Time to challenge another paradigm. The first few times I was unwilling to even say what I am into. And when I finally got enough courage to speak it out, it was anything but out loud. But I can tell you guys, it gets easier every single time. And the more you are acknowledging it, the more normal it becomes. And the more you realize that your desires and fetishes are just as normal as anybody else’s.
Be Yourself And Dump The Rule Book
The really cool thing about all of that is, the more confident and free I became around my sexuality, the more confident and free I became in life. Yeah, I was confident during the ‘Super-fucker-legend’ but it wasn’t confidence in myself. It was confidence that I tied to outside validation during sex. I wasn’t confident, I was arrogant. I thought I had it all figured out. Well, one decent leg sweep later and I was sitting on my ass not knowing up from down.
There is no rule to sex. Forget about it. Even the 3 things I shared aren’t a rule. That’s why I share them from my perspective. They did wonders for me but they might now work for you. That’s fine. The only thing I want to say is this: We all could do with being more of who we are. Doing the things that you like, pleasing yourself and having fun for the sake of having fun are okay in my book. Yes, it took me a while to get to this place but that approach made all the difference for me.
There is no formula for a great life and there is no formula for great sex either. Just have fun with it.