This is a very personal post today. I am currently leaning into an edge that I was not aware of in the past. I recently became aware of all the baggage I carry around with me surrounding it and I am writing a little about said baggage in this post.
I am a recovering Nice Guy. I have done a lot of work around this. No More Mr. Nice Guy is a book written by Dr. Robert A. Glover and it addresses what has become a way of life for most men.
Dr. Robert Glover has dubbed the “Nice Guy Syndrome” trying too hard to please others while neglecting one’s own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It’s no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.
This Nice Guy’ness shows up in my life by the need to never be a problem for other people (because there is an underlying paradigm that I will not be loved if I do), a constant guilt spiral playing out in my head (even for things I was not involved in) and by the way that I define myself (If I can’t do it myself then I don’t deserve it.)
Today I started a crowdfunding campaign because both Tasha and I want to attend a 5 day workshop held by Reid Mihalko. It is titled “Sex Geek Summer Camp” and Reid will teach sex educators how to turn their desire to help and the need for money to do so into a functioning business. The challenge we are facing is that we don’t have the money and at the same time we know that we need to be there. We know that the information he is presenting there will make desire.guru so much better.
Back to myself and my struggles. Like I mentioned above, I have this belief that “If I can’t make it happen myself then I don’t deserve it” and normally that would have led to me giving up on the idea immediately. But I became aware of this program running underneath a lot of decisions that I make when I started to work on myself. I don’t want to be run by programs anymore! At least not unconsciously.
That is why I started the crowdfunding. We want to go to the workshop, we know it is an investment into our future and we know there are people out there who might be able and willing to help us. But stripping myself in this way, asking for help because I can’t do something by myself is more than uncomfortable.
The moment I decided to put the campaign together I have been dancing around it. The voices in my head were going crazy. How will people see me if I ask them for help? Will they still like me? Will they think I am too lazy to work? Will the see me as just another “beggar”? Who will I be if I ask for money? Who will I be if admit that I can’t do it myself? And the loudest of all was the voice of doubt: You will never make it. People won’t support you. You will only be ridiculed.
Holy Mackerel Batman! Today (4 weeks later) I finally got my guts together, felt all the tightness in my chest, the nausea in my stomach, the (literally) gut-wrenching sensations and posted the campaign. And then I shared it on my Facebook. And promptly broke out in anxious sweats.
So, here I am – being a problem, asking for what I want and loving myself. And hoping that people will still love me anyway.
If you would like to help out in any way, please share the campaign on your Facebook and other social media and, if you can and feel inspired, throw a few bucks our way.